blow the cobwebs and the fear away

I'm very full. I just had a yummy warming roast dinner with the man friend, chatting and giggling and exchanging stories with my new housmates, the beautiful Ver and Alicia from Spain. Ireland is so very small. Ver has a boyfriend who's from my home town. He's the son of one of my Dad's friends. As my Dad is so very fond of saying, 'You can't go anywhere', complimented with that hearty laugh of his. My Dad's laugh makes me laugh, it makes me happy.

 

 

I'm back in Sligo after nearly a week at home getting my head around our move. My mum said something very interesting. Most other people are not risk takers, they are afraid of the consequences of making a leap of faith and cripple themselves with the anticipated said consequences, wondering if they will be able to live with them or not. You am different, she tell me. "You are aware of the consequences but you just take the leap of faith anyway, without the fear. Then, after you have made big leaps with seemingly little effort, you freak out at the decision you have made and fear takes over". I never saw it like that but now I can think back to decisions to travel to Spain for a three week holiday on my own and freak out the first night as I lay in my hostel bed, thinking what the hell have I done? The first night I stayed in Bali, having been collected at three o'clock in the morning and not having any idea where in Bali I was, had the same fear-inducing qualities.

Our move to Sligo had the same effect and it overwhelmed me, or rather I have a tendency to overwhelm myself. I have a mind that never stops, that floods itself with ideas of things to do, to see, to read, to make. I have a mind that won't calm down and a lot of time the fear is that I will never just go and DO the things I want to do and enjoy it while I'm doing it. To be in the present. That is really all we want, in the end.

 

Today, my mind was racing with new thoughts of new ventures in this town on the wild west coast but I now have an anti-anxiety shield:the manfriend, who holds my hand and tells me to breath and who today brought me for a completely unplanned two hour walk through the sand dunes in Sligo. I keep telling myself  "I should take more photos, embrace spontaneity more, get outside more, explore Sligo more". Well today I did and I stopped thinking "should" and just did it and it felt awesome.

Coming home, I thought more photos need to be taken and more activities need to be delved into. Uploading photos from our phones, I realised we've been doing that all along. I have over 600 photos from the last six months of gardens, Amsterdam, compost course projects, new people, tents, surf, sunsets and clouds in the sky. I have been doing what I thought I should have all along. I'd just forgotten.

That walk dusted the cobwebs away and let all the"shoulds" fly away with it into the clouds and off into the sand-whipped skyline. Friends, flowers, tents, family, adventures and the wonderful surprise of a bunch of photos of memories I never thought I had popping up out of nowhere. These are the things that make this girl very happy.